Are You Leading, or Just Pretending to Be in Charge?

Let’s start with a tough question.

When was the last time someone disagreed with you… and you let them?

Not “tolerated” them. Not nodded politely while secretly plotting to override them or put them in their place. I mean truly let them disagree with you. Sat with their discomfort. Considered their view. Maybe even changed your mind.

If that rarely happens, this post might be for you.

Because there’s a fine line between leading and controlling... and most of us cross it more often than we realize.

Control Wears Many Costumes

It’s not always obvious. It doesn’t always slam fists on tables or send passive-aggressive emails.

Sometimes, control is a smile laced with manipulation. A compliment that subtly coerces. A perfectly timed “suggestion” that leaves no room for real choice.

Sometimes, control sounds like:

• “Let’s do it my way for now and revisit later” (but “later” never comes).
• “You’re free to speak up!” (but every opposing voice is met with tension).
• “I just have high standards” (but no one ever feels good enough around you).
• "You’re so reliable. I knew you'd stay late to finish this, even if no one else would." (This sounds like praise, but it's actually pressuring the person to comply with an unspoken expectation).

And yes! It’s easy to justify all these. You’ve been around longer. You’ve seen what works and what doesn't. You know what’s right. But over time, this obsession with being right squeezes the oxygen out of your team. People stop speaking up. They start performing instead of thinking. And worst of all? They begin to shrink.

That’s not leadership. That’s fear wearing a leadership badge.

Control Comes From Insecurity, Not Strength

Here’s what I’ve learned (sometimes painfully):

When I’ve tried to control everything, it wasn’t because I was confident. It was because I was scared.

Scared that things would fall apart if I loosened my grip.

Scared that someone else’s idea might work better than mine.

Scared that if I didn’t look like the smartest person in the room or be the champion on an engagement, I’d lose respect or value.

Control often hides in people who care too much but don’t trust enough. It’s a kind of shield we wear when we’re afraid to be vulnerable as leaders.

But leadership? True leadership? It requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. To make space for voices that challenge yours. To let go of your ego long enough to grow something bigger than you.

Ask Yourself These 5 Questions

If you're wondering whether you're leading or just controlling, try this gut check:

1. When was the last time someone disagreed with me and I changed course because of it?
2. Do people come to me with problems… or do they avoid me unless they have a solution I’ll approve?
3. Am I creating a culture of curiosity or compliance?
4. Do I give people autonomy, or do I micromanage under the guise of “support”?
5. Would my team describe me as empowering… or intimidating?

Your answers might sting. But don't worry - that's you making progress.

The Most Powerful Leaders Let Go

The best leaders I’ve worked with - the ones who inspired loyalty, innovation, and real trust - weren’t the ones who had all the answers. They were the ones who asked better questions and actually gave room for answers without judgement.

They said things like:

• “I don’t know. What do you think?”
• "Do you understand why we have it this way?"
• “Let’s try this, perhaps we'll learn something.”
• “I trust you. Go for it.”

They understood that leadership is less about direction, and more about elevation.

They didn’t just manage outcomes - they nurtured ownership.

Read that again!

And ironically, the more they let go of control, the more power they had. Because their people showed up with initiative. With bold ideas. With solutions that would never have existed in a culture of fear.

So, What’s the Cost of Control?

It’s not just burnout or turnover.

It’s creativity - gone.

It’s potential - buried.

It’s a team that stops dreaming, and starts surviving. Survival is a keyword here.

You don’t need to be that kind of leader.

You can choose to trust.

To listen.

To grow.

To lead with open hands instead of clenched fists.

So let me ask you again, gently this time:

Are you leading… or just controlling?

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P.S.

This isn’t a post about shame; it’s about awareness. We’ve all worn the controller’s crown at some point. The real question is: what do you do once you see it?

Let’s talk in the comments. What resonated with you? Have you been on either side of this? How did it feel?

And if this post struck a nerve, feel free to share it. Someone in your circle might need it too.

Thank you.

Read also: I felt trapped in my job for years - these 7 steps finally helped me break free